This is for memory's sake.

Recently I spoke with a dear friend, and asked her what she does when she finds herself falling into actions she is not proud of. I asked her what solidifies her will; what pushes her towards change?
She said,
"There is always something better."

I'm finding that in order to solidify my spirit, I have to change a lot of my actions up to this point.

I too often rely on my past actions (referring to the point before I came to this country), and upon having come here I feel as though through this combination of independence and new experiences I have given everything the mindset that it is only half-real. As though my actions are in a state of relativity at this point, and "justifiably" so, because I have allowed everything else to maintain a state of relativity, as though this is a "time-out", so to speak, in life. And although my conscious mind would not wholly admit that, my subconscious seems to.
Yet, I am in control of my life, but not in the totalistic sense that I constantly wish I were.
I linger on about how I could, or would, change if things were not so thrown up in the air, forgetting that I am the one that is doing the throwing, because as I have already mentioned, the one in control of my life is me.
So I stumble around non-chalantly, waiting for some reason good enough to make me face facts.
In the midst of excuses, lethargy, and the like, I maintain the idea of "if only someone was here to show me how to do otherwise", forgetting that the simple fact that you (dear friend) exist is the kick in the ass that I have been asking for,
because you are not here physically, but you are here in every other way.
It is your existence in these other ways that I find you softly repeating that "there is something better", as you boldly face the day.
And so becomes this odd mixture of me wishing to be in control of my life, and simultaneously wishing that someone could help me be in a state where I could not have to depend on only myself.
The realization is that both these things have just happened at exactly the same time, and similarily have always been happening.

Therefore I find my resolve, and my control at the same time.

Dear friend, thank you so much.